See you dicks later, I'm joining the Illuminati.

I never thought it would happen to me. And who does? I mean, this is a pretty big life event.

The Illuminati want me. ME! Can you believe it?

So, what's a guy to do?  I mean, OF COURSE I WANT TO JOIN YOUR SECRET CLUB!! So I responded immediately. Can you blame me? I mean, soon, I'm gonna leave you suckers in the dust. I don't need you anymore, I don't need anyone, I just need a secret society like the one in that movie, The Skulls!! 

UPDATE 4/9 11:30pm

It wasn't long before they were as excited as I am. So they responded back, and they just needed some basic info, none of which seemed weird or scammy.

Pffsh, you want my info? HAVE IT! I'm not going to need it anymore. 

Now I just need to wait back for a response, hopefully my gun is in the mail.

UPDATE 4/10 10:30am

Things have taken a turn for the weird.

 I'd love to email Tom...but Tom is already here?

(Horrible) Shit Happens. Let's fight about it.

Today's tragedy has touched all of us. I doubt you're going to find anyone who truly believes themselves unaffected by the horrible tragedy in Connecticut. What really pisses me off is how people don't take the time to sit down and think about it. I mean, holy shit...18 kids died. They were children. Remember when you were a young one? When I was that age, my biggest worry was which Ninja Turtle I'd be pretending to be during recess. What was your biggest care? You didn't have bills, you didn't have a goddamned thing to be worried about. Now imagine you having your little kid bullshit worries, but instead of heading to recess you were shot to death. Or the kids around you got shot to death. Or your teacher was shot to death.

Can you picture that?

I fucking can't.

I can't fathom it. It bugs me, as someone who is very empathetic toward people, I can not wrap my brain around how surreal it is. I know I'm upset about it, but I literally can't wrap my brain around how upsetting the whole event it. It's awful. Like, super fucking terrible. It breaks my heart to think of the parents, to think of the families, the communities. Someone lost a son, a daughter, a mother, a father, a best friend, a worst enemy. People that could have been the next Gandhi, or the next Hitler.

That's a shitload of lost potential. For better or for worse, we lost a lot of history.

On Facebook and Twitter, the first thing I saw was shit like "We need more gun control," and "Don't blame guns, guys." Get the fuck over yourself. People fucking died today.

And I get it, honestly. If you believe in gun control: This is a perfect reason why we need stricter laws. If you think this gun control stuff doesn't stop crime at all: It makes sense to be defensive. But for the love of god, save your fights.

If you were standing next to a father who just lost his perfect little daughter, would you be telling him that it's ok, guns didn't kill her? Would you remind him that it was some asshole that just shot his daughter full of holes, and not some magically sentient gun walking around like the fucking mops from Fantasia? If you saw a little boy crying because he didn't understand why he just watched his troublemaking buddy bleed out, would you explain why Congress needs to step in so stuff like this doesn't happen to anyone else, because, y'know, to a child, knowing that it won't happen again will probably make the trauma of what he just saw seem a little better?

My heart absolutely aches, but it doesn't ache enough. I wish I could be there in some way for the parents, the families, the community. But I can't. I'll sign a petition, I'll vote on a law in one direction or the other. I'll stand firm in my beliefs, but for now, I'm going to mourn. I'll have a chance to say whatever I want tomorrow.

Something the victims can't.

-P

Your status.

Status updates.

Just like mistakes, we all make them.

However, a lot of the time, I love to read them. Heck, it's part of my job. Yeah! Fancy that; I get paid to read your statuses on Facebook, Google + and Twitter!! Over the years of being a social networking junkie (remember Myspace?), I've learned what makes a good status update, and what makes me cringe. So, without coming off as too high-and-mighty (although, I do feel qualified to do so, if the job requires it), let's have a look at what you SHOULD be updating me with, and stuff that bans you from my feeds.

1) Pets

-Your Dog

This is a good topic! Dogs are great, they enrich our lives, they show us uncondition love. Find me something more uplifting than that! Include pictures, Instagrams, and even what you think your dog would be saying if that lovable little scamp could speak! It's adorable.

-Your Cat

Cats are weird. You know what they do? They sleep. When they're not sleeping, they're chasing after stuff, shredding things with their horrible little claws and pooping in a box. If you applied these characteristics to a human, you wouldn't cuddle them, you'd institutionalize them.

2) Words

-Authors

Did your favorite historical figure say something that will last forever, or at the very least, something that you can put on a fortune cookie? Let's hear it! You know who had a lot of awesome things to say? Mark Twain! Who else? Bill Cosby and Groucho Marx. These quotes go from the mundane to things that resonate in our very souls, I love reading a good quote.

-Musicians

I do not. I repeat, DO NOT give a shit about your favorite song lyric. Especially if it applies to your life. Sound cold? ...I was gonna try to work up something clever, but I wasn't able to, and I don't really edit blog posts. My Chemical Romance, Lady Antebellem, and Brad Paisley have absolutely zero impact on me. I don't care if you're feeling sad about who hurt your feelings or broke up with you. There is ZERO excuse for this infraction. Your favorite band has stupid lyrics, your favorite songwriter is so vague that they don't make any goddamned sense. Leave the music in your headphones, keep it off of my feeds.

3) Startin' Shit!

-The Direct Approach

Did your friend conveniently 'forget their wallet' when you went for a salad somewhere? Call their ass out!! At the very least, the very VERY least, it's gonna start a good ol' fashioned internet flamewar. Flamewars are a tradition as old as the internet itself! Every since the first message board and AOL chatroom, starting shit on the internet is like a piece of art, even when it's completed, the average viewer revels in the imperfections therein. Name the offender by name. Tell that special someone you love them, hate them, or slept with their brother. I don't care. If you're going to start hell on someplace we can all read it, at least let us get our admissions' worth.

-Not Explaining a Goddamned Thing

Vague, passive aggressive updates drive me bonkers. "I hate fake bitches" does NOTHING for me! What could that mean? Cybernetic female jerks? Your best friend is dating your crush? There is nothing to this post, so I, personally don't give a damn. If you've got issues with someone, don't wait for them to read it and be all like "Is he/she talking about me?" CALL THOSE BITCHES OUT!! If I have to read ONE more status that explains nothing but clearly has a lot of angst behind it, I'm gonna just start flaming strangers so I can sleep better at night. That's right, Mat "InferiorEgo" Elfring, you're an ass!! See how easy that was? Hell, I like Mat, but even the slightest chance of a fight is SO much more exciting!

4) Potty Updates

-"Hilarious" Toilet Humor

Look, I'm not gonna stand around and say I don't laugh at it. It's funny. We all agree. However, if you just say "I just totally pooped" because that's a joke people make when it comes to tweets, just leave it be. The implied joke that people post about such banalities is completely ruined when you become the punchline, even if you think you're being ironic. If you're not a funny person, don't attempt to be funny by making jokes only your dad would make.

-Interesting Toilet Information

Doc Brown figured out the Flux Capacitor when he fell off of a toilet. If you have something that is as good or better than this, you should totally post it. If it is of equal or lesser value, it's probably neither funny, nor relevant. I know my poop is funny, I figure yours is probably about the same.

I'm not saying I want you to stop updating your stuff! Quite the opposite! I want to read what you have to say, only, I wish what you had to say was more interesting. I'm sure you can call me out about how I tweet about my Foursquare check-ins or GetGlue stickers, and those are totally good arguments. Instead of pointing out my wrongdoings, how about we all agree to get better about these things and keep each other honest.

If you want to keep me honest, or just troll me for being a dick, follow me @thebadpatryan on twitter.

I'll be waiting.

Pat "Don't Make Someone You're Priority When You Are Only an Option" Ryan

3 Tips to Improve Your Shopping Experience

It's the holiday season, once again! Time to go out there, beat the pavement, and get all the wonderful presents that your friends and loved ones so deserve. Aside from coupon clipping, how can you make sure that you are getting the best customer service experience you can?

3) Get off your goddamned cell phone.

- I know you need to talk to your husband. He's busy at work and doesn't have time to talk to you, but I get it, you NEED to talk to him. You may think the best time to do this is while you're in Best Buy, but the guy who is trying to recommend a video game for your child is also talking to you. We all know how great you are at multitasking, but your husband doesn't want to talk to you right now, and the underpaid salesperson does. Just put the iPhone back into your purse, because right now, that friendly salesperson is fantasizing about you hanging from a noose, with the cell phone still at your ear.

2) Get off your goddamned cell phone.

- What better time to talk about the status of your relationship with your recent ex-girlfriend than at the register at the grocery store? Your credit card isn't going through and the clerk is trying to resolve it, despite the fact that you're begging for her to take you back, explaining in great detail the way you used to sexually pleasure her. Research shows, the person you just threw coupons at (none of which apply to what you have purchased) does not much care to know about the sexual relationship you had with the woman on the other end of the phone. Instead, leave the phone in your pocket, and allow the friendly cashier to assist you. As much as you hate treating those types as people, they can be useful.

1) Get off your goddamned cell phone.

- Nobody is helping you. That's weird. You've been standing in the middle of the Apple Store shouting into it for at least 20 minutes. Your sister tells you that you should probably get off the phone, that it's rude to be on the phone, speaking so loudly in public. What does she know? This is actually sound advice. Sure, it doesn't make sense! Why isn't everyone bowing at your feet? You are standing in a store, and judging by your sweatpants that read "PINK" on them, you have some amount of wealth and status, those idiots should be helping you and you should make it as difficult as possible by continuing your conversation about how Snooki is misunderstood. Have you read her book? It's fascinating! However, conversations like these should be left in the car, in your duplex, or heck, even put them on one of those internet message boards.

The message is clear; get off your goddamned cell phone. Nobody needs to hear your conversations aside from the people on the other end of the line that you are forcing to suffer through your conversation. Hopefully, these tips can be applied to all of your interactions in the world, and people in stores will actually be happy to speak with you, and you will receive the customer service experience a person of your caliber deserves.

Happy Shopping!!

Dear Motorola.

Today, I was stepping out of my car to pick up lunch for my parents and girlfriend, when my Atrix 4g slipped from my coat pocket tumbling a stifling 5-6inches to the ground. Mind you, my phone was in a protective case. What I say next will not shock you. The screen was completely shattered. My phone was under warrantee, as I bought it just under a month ago, so I walked into the AT&T store, confident that my product would be replaced. I wasn't irresponsible, the phone didn't fall from far, and it was in a case. I was told that this was not part of warrantee, and that to replace it, with the insurance I had on the phone, it will cost me $199. I literally just paid $199 for your phone.

I've been using Motorola devices since I was able to ditch my old Nokia brick phone. I had a Karma before I moved up to smartphones. My family has used Motorola products since the era of bag phones in the car. You can imagine how disenchanted I am by your company at the moment.

When I bought the phone, the woman told me that the product had "gorilla glass" on it, and that it would be well protected from minor bumps. It was not at all protected by this minor bump I encountered a few hours ago. In fact, when I went into the AT&T store, a salesperson walked by and offhandedly noted that the same thing had happened to her manager, and a number of her friends. This being told to me in the same instance as I was told I would have to pay a few hundred bucks to replace it. She also admitted that "gorilla glass" may just be a buzzword.
If this is as common as I'm being told it is, I feel a bit upset that somehow this is my responsibility. I wasn't throwing it against a wall, and it seems apparent that this sort of thing is pretty common.
I honestly hate coming off as angry, as I had waited for months to purchase the Atrix. I was ready to once again hand my money off to a Motorola device. I am currently waiting the 1-2 business days to receive my replacement, and anticipating the hit that my already pitiful checking account is going to suffer.
I don't really want to use Motorola anymore. The phone I was so excited for, and to be honest, so satisfied with, doesn't seem so glamorous anymore. The abuse my friends' iPhones take makes what happen to my phone seem like a feather's drop. I wanted to support your company, and in many ways, I still want to, but now I know that not only did you make a product that can't handle common jostles, but you are blissfully unaware and unable to help those who do give their money to you.
Thanks for all the years of products that I could support.
It's a shame those years have come to a close.

-Patrick Ryan

Thor: The Mighty Avenger: Reviewed

For starters, let me just throw this out there; I don't give a shit about Thor. Sure, I'll probably see the movie, but I don't think it looks that great. I've never cared for Thor comics, nor have I really followed them. Every time I read it, it's just too damned boring. I genuinely don't care about this character. The only Thor story I've sat down and read (and actually enjoyed) was "Thor: Son of Asgard."

Then recently, all the sweaty dorks were brandishing torches and pitchforks because Marvel was cancelling some young-adult series about Thor. Then I heard from some folks at my comics shop that it actually was a great story, then I saw the writer and artist of a webcomic I enjoy (www.letsbefriendsagain.com) essentially yelling at Marvel for cancelling this series. So fine, whatever, if this is really getting peoples' panties in a knot, I might as well pick it up. So I went to the comic shop and asked the guy working there to order me a copy. Here's what I got.

I dug the art style immediately, I still thought it looked lame because look at Thor. He's a goofy looking superhero. But hey, I shelled out the $15, so I might as well start reading it.

I am an idiot for doubting this book was anything but amazing.

It starts off with Jane Foster, who in the regular Thor cannon is a nurse, but in this story works in a museum. She is made head of the department dealing with Nordic History, and the recently acquired pieces. Within moments of her assuming her new possession, she comes across what appears to be a crazy vagrant in a silly costume claiming to be the God of Thunder. The guards can't seem to hold him back, but one word from Jane, and he's on his way.

Through some more development of Jane, we find that she is falling out of love with a longtime boyfriend, and meeting him for dinner to discuss things. As they find themselves leaving the restaurant, this "Thor" fella flies out of a bar window, in front of them, claiming that he was trying to stop a questionable person from getting handsy with a woman.

Thor gets his ass kicked by a hulking monster calling himself "Hyde." Jane and her now ex try to escort him from the scene and to a hospital. Thor requests that they take him to Jane's museum. He needs something from the recently acquired artifacts, which Jane will let him touch, so long as he doesn't break any of them.

He break's one.

The one containing Mjolnir! ZAP! POW! BZZT! LIGHTING NOISE!

He's gotten his powers back!

Now he's a god, and still homeless. Jane extends an offer for Thor to sleep on her couch.

That's all the setup you need, because it's way more fun when you read it.

I was so thoroughly charmed by this book, the relationship between Thor and Jane is so cute and precious, you look forward to seeing what they'll do together next. She takes him shopping, she walks in the park with him, showing him that though our world is not Asgard, it's every bit as beautiful and magical.

To start with the aesthetic, I loved the art in "Thor: The Mighty Avenger." It has this great Jack Kirby feel to it, while not feeling outdated. If I had to name the style itself, I'd probably call it modern pop-art. It's not like you're picking up a beautiful watercolor by Alex Ross, or an super-realistic look like John Cassaday, but it also doesn't look like an episode of "Batman: The Brave and the Bold." This is great for someone who isn't really into comics, or for someone who is getting too old for the kid's comics, but isn't quite ready for the complexity of the modern superhero story. And for the regular comic reader; you'll be reminded of what made you love comics in the first place; characters you care about, and a bit of welcomed escapism.

In a superhero book, I'm usually looking forward to the next badass action sequence, but in this book, it was all about getting to know this sweet, kinda confused god. When you see Jane and Thor together, they're holding hands, embracing, and just being cute. Call me a romantic, but I loved seeing that.

I loved this book, and I hope that Marvel changes their minds, and at least lets the series wrap up. What this story lacks in action (which their is some, but not a ton), it makes up for in heart. Through every action in every character, you follow Thor on his journey discovering the best in all of us.

If I could recommend this to any one audience, it'd be everyone. Pick this book up, borrow it from a friend, call and see if your library has this. You will not be disappointed.

-P

And you thought Hot Topic had bad shirts...

If there's 30 things I hate, one of them would be "witty" t-shirts. I also hate bumper stickers, old people, teenage girls, fuzzy boots, stick shift cars, art, racism and white chocolate. There are more to that list, but that's not what this is about. I was reading up on that jackass who shot that politician the other day. Totally sad story, makes me sick and reminds me of how frail human life is.

However, on this page there was a link to a "witty" t-shirt site (http://www.thoseshirts.com). Unlucky for me, I thought it'd be a good idea to click the link. I now regret it.

This is not me making a stance on politics; if you're a democrat, you're a pussy. It you're a republican, you're a maniac. This is just some good ol' fashioned hating on shirts. So, to begin...

Ok, I'll admit; I think this one is pretty good. Would I wear it? No. I don't dislike the President, so whatever. If I saw someone wearing this, I'd at least look at it and think "At least they're using the internet."

Aaaaand here's where you start to lose me. Look, if you think Glenn Beck is a smart fella, that's great. However, this shirt does nothing. It's completely inert. Anyone looking at this won't be all like "You enjoy Glenn Beck's television programs? I, too, enjoy said programs! Bully! Let us enjoy a meal and speak of shared interests." That's mostly because nobody talks like that. But also, THE SHIRT IS DUMB. Any passerby would look at it and think you enjoy Becks beer. Because there is almost nothing that sets it apart from the logo it is meant to have parodied. When I looked at it, I initially thought it was just a beer shirt. Then I thought about the context of the site, and figured which Beck we were t-shirting. If you really like Glenn Beck, you owe it to yourself and Mr. Beck to get a less-awful shirt.

Next up:

There's nothing says "positive political change" better than genocide and brainwashing. Seriously, people who made this shirt, THIS is the quote you put on a shirt? This is the sort of thing that newsmakers have to apologize for 24 hours after they say it...Because it's a fucking terrible quote. We should kill their leaders and make them love the Christian God? Bit harsh, don't you think? Oh, and from a fashion standpoint, nobody wears white t-shirts unless they're working out or from New Jersey. Surely, it's not going to get crazier than this, is it?

Spoiler: It is.

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HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yikes. I have nothing to say about these shirts aside from; "Fuck you, whoever agreed to have this printed on a shirt." That about covers it.

Really? Reagan? Ok, I'll give you that he was well liked by the Republican party, but c'mon. There were WAY cooler Republican Presidents. Abraham Lincoln was a Republican, that dude it way more badass than Reagan. Reagan has a highway in Illinois in his honor, Abraham Lincoln is probably in your pocket (I mean money, you're not infested with tiny Presidents).

FLASH! Fact: This is not actually the first rule of gun safety.

If you see someone in this shirt, please walk the other way and call the authorities. This person will be a felon at some point, if they aren't already. You know the guy in this shirt, long hair, bald spot, fucking loves CCR. If you accidentally bump into his fat wife, he will beat you to death with a tire iron, spit tobacco on your lifeless body, and order another beer. The person in this shirt is the reason other countries hate us.

And finally:

"I need a shirt that can really sting the liberals, but I also really need a shirt talking about my cat's balls."

-P

P.S.- I would buy 100 of these shirts before I'd buy a "The Voices In My Head Say You're Stupid" shirt. Any day.