And you thought Hot Topic had bad shirts...

If there's 30 things I hate, one of them would be "witty" t-shirts. I also hate bumper stickers, old people, teenage girls, fuzzy boots, stick shift cars, art, racism and white chocolate. There are more to that list, but that's not what this is about. I was reading up on that jackass who shot that politician the other day. Totally sad story, makes me sick and reminds me of how frail human life is.

However, on this page there was a link to a "witty" t-shirt site (http://www.thoseshirts.com). Unlucky for me, I thought it'd be a good idea to click the link. I now regret it.

This is not me making a stance on politics; if you're a democrat, you're a pussy. It you're a republican, you're a maniac. This is just some good ol' fashioned hating on shirts. So, to begin...

Ok, I'll admit; I think this one is pretty good. Would I wear it? No. I don't dislike the President, so whatever. If I saw someone wearing this, I'd at least look at it and think "At least they're using the internet."

Aaaaand here's where you start to lose me. Look, if you think Glenn Beck is a smart fella, that's great. However, this shirt does nothing. It's completely inert. Anyone looking at this won't be all like "You enjoy Glenn Beck's television programs? I, too, enjoy said programs! Bully! Let us enjoy a meal and speak of shared interests." That's mostly because nobody talks like that. But also, THE SHIRT IS DUMB. Any passerby would look at it and think you enjoy Becks beer. Because there is almost nothing that sets it apart from the logo it is meant to have parodied. When I looked at it, I initially thought it was just a beer shirt. Then I thought about the context of the site, and figured which Beck we were t-shirting. If you really like Glenn Beck, you owe it to yourself and Mr. Beck to get a less-awful shirt.

Next up:

There's nothing says "positive political change" better than genocide and brainwashing. Seriously, people who made this shirt, THIS is the quote you put on a shirt? This is the sort of thing that newsmakers have to apologize for 24 hours after they say it...Because it's a fucking terrible quote. We should kill their leaders and make them love the Christian God? Bit harsh, don't you think? Oh, and from a fashion standpoint, nobody wears white t-shirts unless they're working out or from New Jersey. Surely, it's not going to get crazier than this, is it?

Spoiler: It is.

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GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yikes. I have nothing to say about these shirts aside from; "Fuck you, whoever agreed to have this printed on a shirt." That about covers it.

Really? Reagan? Ok, I'll give you that he was well liked by the Republican party, but c'mon. There were WAY cooler Republican Presidents. Abraham Lincoln was a Republican, that dude it way more badass than Reagan. Reagan has a highway in Illinois in his honor, Abraham Lincoln is probably in your pocket (I mean money, you're not infested with tiny Presidents).

FLASH! Fact: This is not actually the first rule of gun safety.

If you see someone in this shirt, please walk the other way and call the authorities. This person will be a felon at some point, if they aren't already. You know the guy in this shirt, long hair, bald spot, fucking loves CCR. If you accidentally bump into his fat wife, he will beat you to death with a tire iron, spit tobacco on your lifeless body, and order another beer. The person in this shirt is the reason other countries hate us.

And finally:

"I need a shirt that can really sting the liberals, but I also really need a shirt talking about my cat's balls."

-P

P.S.- I would buy 100 of these shirts before I'd buy a "The Voices In My Head Say You're Stupid" shirt. Any day.

Ole King Kohls

The name says it all, really. We've all been there, usually not willingly. We've all seen their vast array for "Corona" T-shirts that high school kids wear. Admittedly, I've bought a few superhero shirts there. They don't sell small at the comic shop...wonder why? Wait. No I don't.

To the point; Kohls sells clothes that I make fun of people for wearing. They have those faux bowling shirts with the vertical stripes, y'know, the ones that the 20 year olds who still attend prom wear? Dragon shirts, things with yin-yangs, oh and don't forget the silk shirts with the 8-Ball on them.  Now, I'm no fashion expert, clearly (I'm wearing an argyle sweater), but I know what I see in magazines and on TV.

Maybe these are not accurate cross-sections, and maybe you don't like to adhere to social norms telling you to dress a certain way and listen to pop music like all the popular kids, and maybe you don't want to play football and you're organizing this totally sweet "Anti-Prom" party.

If you read that and any of it rung true; look at your shirt. There's a dragon on there isn't there. To answer your question: yes, I'm psychic, and no, I don't want to play D&D with you.

Am I being harsh and judgemental? Yes. Wait. No, not I wouldn't call it judgemental, just logical. Come on, when you show up to a bar dressed like that, people are screaming "douche" at you mentally. And where did you get JINKO jeans? Those are sweet sunglasses, and it's even cooler when you wear them indoors, adds to your mystique, I mean who know's what's in that all-cotton Matrix-inspired trenchcoat?!

While I'm yelling about styles I disagree with; dudes who swoop their hair over their eyes: stop it. Scene kids look like homeless people wearing girl pants. It's not a style, it's you begging for attention, even if it means people judging you. Do I judge people? Ha! Hell yes, I do! It's a hobby of mine, nay, a skill. If I see a dude with zebra striped swoopy hair over his eyes, I don't assume he's a psychologist or lawyer. I imagine his girlfriend is 14 (it's real love, dude, it's the real thing), and he loves movies with vampires in them because they're so dark and cool and sexy.

Why this rant? Because I still see people who do that! You'd think that it would have been a phase, but it's a lifestyle. When I go out somewhere, I dress nicely, like a big kid. I went through a phase where I wanted to wear nothing but T-shirts and jeans all the time, even if I was going somewhere nice. Sticking it to the Man, I guess. In my opinion, the Man died after high school.

Wait, hang on, I just had a thought. Maybe they think it looks nice! Hang on again, that's stupid.

In my opinion should you wear a suit everywhere? Not at all, dear friend! Take a look around you, you stand out like a naked man in a women's rights rally, and believe me, that's not a good thing (long story, we all make mistakes). You can be an individual in how you dress, but come on, look nice! It's not conformity, it's maturity. T-shirts are great and I wear them all the time, but I'm going out on a Saturday night, I'm leaving the"The Voices Tell Me You're The Crazy One" hilarious shirt at home.

This is the part where everyone in the blogging community tell me that I'm a conformist, a dick, and I just don't "get it."

Lucky for me, I have no readers, so I'm going to sit pretty in my ivory tower, judging all the douches out there.