Your status.

Status updates.

Just like mistakes, we all make them.

However, a lot of the time, I love to read them. Heck, it's part of my job. Yeah! Fancy that; I get paid to read your statuses on Facebook, Google + and Twitter!! Over the years of being a social networking junkie (remember Myspace?), I've learned what makes a good status update, and what makes me cringe. So, without coming off as too high-and-mighty (although, I do feel qualified to do so, if the job requires it), let's have a look at what you SHOULD be updating me with, and stuff that bans you from my feeds.

1) Pets

-Your Dog

This is a good topic! Dogs are great, they enrich our lives, they show us uncondition love. Find me something more uplifting than that! Include pictures, Instagrams, and even what you think your dog would be saying if that lovable little scamp could speak! It's adorable.

-Your Cat

Cats are weird. You know what they do? They sleep. When they're not sleeping, they're chasing after stuff, shredding things with their horrible little claws and pooping in a box. If you applied these characteristics to a human, you wouldn't cuddle them, you'd institutionalize them.

2) Words

-Authors

Did your favorite historical figure say something that will last forever, or at the very least, something that you can put on a fortune cookie? Let's hear it! You know who had a lot of awesome things to say? Mark Twain! Who else? Bill Cosby and Groucho Marx. These quotes go from the mundane to things that resonate in our very souls, I love reading a good quote.

-Musicians

I do not. I repeat, DO NOT give a shit about your favorite song lyric. Especially if it applies to your life. Sound cold? ...I was gonna try to work up something clever, but I wasn't able to, and I don't really edit blog posts. My Chemical Romance, Lady Antebellem, and Brad Paisley have absolutely zero impact on me. I don't care if you're feeling sad about who hurt your feelings or broke up with you. There is ZERO excuse for this infraction. Your favorite band has stupid lyrics, your favorite songwriter is so vague that they don't make any goddamned sense. Leave the music in your headphones, keep it off of my feeds.

3) Startin' Shit!

-The Direct Approach

Did your friend conveniently 'forget their wallet' when you went for a salad somewhere? Call their ass out!! At the very least, the very VERY least, it's gonna start a good ol' fashioned internet flamewar. Flamewars are a tradition as old as the internet itself! Every since the first message board and AOL chatroom, starting shit on the internet is like a piece of art, even when it's completed, the average viewer revels in the imperfections therein. Name the offender by name. Tell that special someone you love them, hate them, or slept with their brother. I don't care. If you're going to start hell on someplace we can all read it, at least let us get our admissions' worth.

-Not Explaining a Goddamned Thing

Vague, passive aggressive updates drive me bonkers. "I hate fake bitches" does NOTHING for me! What could that mean? Cybernetic female jerks? Your best friend is dating your crush? There is nothing to this post, so I, personally don't give a damn. If you've got issues with someone, don't wait for them to read it and be all like "Is he/she talking about me?" CALL THOSE BITCHES OUT!! If I have to read ONE more status that explains nothing but clearly has a lot of angst behind it, I'm gonna just start flaming strangers so I can sleep better at night. That's right, Mat "InferiorEgo" Elfring, you're an ass!! See how easy that was? Hell, I like Mat, but even the slightest chance of a fight is SO much more exciting!

4) Potty Updates

-"Hilarious" Toilet Humor

Look, I'm not gonna stand around and say I don't laugh at it. It's funny. We all agree. However, if you just say "I just totally pooped" because that's a joke people make when it comes to tweets, just leave it be. The implied joke that people post about such banalities is completely ruined when you become the punchline, even if you think you're being ironic. If you're not a funny person, don't attempt to be funny by making jokes only your dad would make.

-Interesting Toilet Information

Doc Brown figured out the Flux Capacitor when he fell off of a toilet. If you have something that is as good or better than this, you should totally post it. If it is of equal or lesser value, it's probably neither funny, nor relevant. I know my poop is funny, I figure yours is probably about the same.

I'm not saying I want you to stop updating your stuff! Quite the opposite! I want to read what you have to say, only, I wish what you had to say was more interesting. I'm sure you can call me out about how I tweet about my Foursquare check-ins or GetGlue stickers, and those are totally good arguments. Instead of pointing out my wrongdoings, how about we all agree to get better about these things and keep each other honest.

If you want to keep me honest, or just troll me for being a dick, follow me @thebadpatryan on twitter.

I'll be waiting.

Pat "Don't Make Someone You're Priority When You Are Only an Option" Ryan